Our fizzin', poppin' NFL midseason review

Coke and Pepsi. The unquestioned soft drink champions of the universe. The world’s greatest scientists and philosophers have debated for centuries which bubbly beverage is truly No. 1. All we know for sure is that, like the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts, both drinks stand above the rest. Where does each NFL team fit into the cutthroat world of beverages? Read on, from worst to first.

CREAM SODA

Atlanta, Miami, New York Jets, St. Louis

Remember when you were in elementary school and someone would host a party in his basement? His parents stocked the place with Doritos and a 24-mixer pack of pop? You’d turn the sound way up on the TV so the parents wouldn’t hear you guys playing Spin the Bottle or Seven Minutes in Heaven? And at the end of the night, most of the pop was gone, save for three or four pink cans, plus two or three more pink cans that were still half full because somebody said “Crap, they’re out of ginger ale? I guess I’ll try one of these,” had a few sips, and left it for dead? That was Cream Soda.

MOUNTAIN DEW

Oakland

“Groossss, Mountain Dew. Oh God, it’s so horrible. I hear it reduces your sperm count. And how annoying is it that it’s so ‘Xtreme?’” Blah blah blah. We get it. Mountain Dew sucks. But you know what? It’s been so trendy to bash Moutain Dew over the years that piling onto the yellow stuff has officially gotten out of hand. Don’t you think Mountain Dew is better than its record? It’s bad. But it’s not that bad.

ROCKSTAR ENERGY DRINK

San Francisco

Where are you now, Rockstar? Everyone thought it was the next big thing, the new energy drink powerhouse. Then everyone remembered that one trashy, unhealthy energy drink on the market was more than enough. “Oh yeah, Rockstar is disgusting.” Kinda like San Fran’s passing game.

SPRITE

Chicago, Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati

What the hell happened? Was it just a well-oiled hype machine that had us “obeying our thirst”? The days of Bears defense, the Denver running game, Donovan McNabb, the resurgent Bengals and Grant Hill commercials are gone. “Image is nothing,” and so are these teams.

A CHEAP CASE OF BEER WITH A FREE T-SHIRT INSIDE

Minnesota

Looking for a good time? Stay away from the cheap case of booze that will invariably give you a severe hangover and a bloody rectum thanks to two days on your “beeriod.” Then again, it does come with that free Adrian Peterson T-shirt…

RED BULL

Houston

Zip! Zap! Pow! After slamming one of these puppies, you have “wings,” right? Well, for a few fleeting moments. Then reality kicks in and you crash. Hard. Now you’re exhausted, it’s 2 a.m. and your plan to complete your essay via all-nighter looks pretty stupid.

NO NAME COLA

Kansas City

It’s a piece of shit and everyone knows it, but it keeps on trucking. There will always be that divorced single dad out there who tosses a case of it into the trunk of his Firebird, hoping to give his kids a cheap, sugary thrill on the one day a week he gets to see them.

“But Dad, we want Coke!” shriek the little brats.

“What the hell do you want me to do about it,” replies an angry Carl Peterson. “Do you know how much alimony your mother is bleeding me for? This is all your fault anyway, you little shits.”

GATORADE

New Orleans

It’s pretty jazzy and popular. There’s loads of hype surrounding it. Naturally, your expectations are pretty high as you slam it back. But something’s wrong. The sugary liquid bloats you and you feel surprisingly sluggish. You trudge to the gym for your lunch-hour basketball game with your office buddies, wishing you could take a nap instead. Could this be the supposed superdrink you’ve heard so much about? You huff and puff for 10 minutes, turning over the ball repeatedly, tossing up bricks and drawing eye-rolls from your teammates. Wait. A few more minutes pass and you feel…refreshed. Pulsing with energy, your electrolytes replenished, you start trash talking the other team. You grab the rock and dunk over Glenn, that smarmy douchebag from marketing who wears the headband and the D-Wade jersey.

FRESCA

Buffalo, Carolina, Arizona

In a word, “meh.” What else can you say about Fresca? It’s not bad, really, but it isn’t good, either. It’s just…there. You won’t order it in a restaurant or find it at parties, but every once in a while, it pops up in a hotel minibar. You down it and a bag of almonds, watch Conan, hit the sack and forget about it the next morning. With its fizzy, fruity taste, it has enough going for it that it won’t go out of business, but that’s about it. It won’t be making a run at the big boys any time soon.

ORANGE CRUSH

San Diego, Baltimore, Seattle

“And what would you like to drink, sir?” asks the Applebee’s waitress. “Ugh… I’m so sick of Pepsi and Coke,” you think to yourself, wincing in the direction of the fountain pop machine as if your squinted eyes will force it into answering for you. “I’ll have a Pep—actually, I’ll have an Orange Crush.” An Orange Crush? Why go for something tried-and-true when you can gamble on the trendy pick? Inevitably, it blows up in your face. “I should have just asked for Coke,” you sigh between bites of Chicken Parmesan. Something tells us you’ll be changing your order when the waitress comes around with refills.

ROOT BEER

Jacksonville, Washington

Though it doesn’t belong in the upper echelon of drinks, root beer is a respected and generally well-liked beverage. Admittedly, it’s incomplete; while it makes for a great float, you can’t really mix it with alcohol and there are numerous occasions where it’d be inappropriate to order one. Still, despite its limitations, root beer will always hang above the middle-of-the-pack drinks and, given the right circumstances, can actually be quite satisfying.

DR. PEPPER

Detroit, Tennessee, Cleveland, Tampa Bay

Mind-blowing. Just mind-blowing. Who the fuck drinks Dr. Pepper? Seriously, WHO DRINKS IT? Yet it’s somehow stumbled upon pretty big commercial success despite its arguably horrible taste. What exactly is it? Root beer? Mint cola? Regardless, what we have here is a fluke. A crappy, college-dropout scientist – let’s call him “Dr. Millen” – screwed around with his chemistry set in his garage and wound up with a drink that some crazy, idiotic people out there like.

ICED TEA

Dallas, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, New York Giants

Are they the supreme drink juggernauts of the universe? No. But they sure as hell deserve respect. Lots of people drink iced tea, and with good reason. It’s a refreshing drink with few flaws. For all we know, it could beat out Coke and Pespi in the odd random taste test or poll. Especially if you poll a bunch of old guys who’ve “been drinkin’ iced tea since the days of Bart Starr and Roger Staubauch.”

COKE AND PEPSI

New England and Indianapolis

The ultimate fate of those two teams has yet to be determined; after all, despite fair evidence against it, a valid argument can be made that Pepsi (Indy) is still actually better than Coke (New England). It just depends on who you ask. Either way, you’re best off ordering one of these instead of getting crazy and trying the Strawberry-Kiwi Frutopia.